I was a typical Mr Nice guy that was well liked and had good friends, but I wasn’t having as much sex as I wanted and I definitely didn’t feel powerful around women.
My father died when I was only 11 years and it created a masculine wound. What I didn’t want to acknowledge was that I had shame and problems to be strong and a safe masculine partner for my partners. I learned later that this came from old s-exual habits, experiences in my childhood, family patterns and social conditions.
The Journey of Personal Development
I wanted to grow and tried to heal myself through doing personal development courses, therapy, and coaching educations. It helped, but I didn’t experience the quality of intimacy and presence that I was longing for. I felt that sex (now I know that it was the ejaculations) made me weaker and I was losing my energy while I was in a relationship. I felt the relationship was not worth it since I really wanted to grow. For many years, I ran away from opportunities for deeply committed relationships and focused more on studying different kinds of personal development and spirituality. I wasn’t ready to admit to myself that I was living a Pure (spiritual) life.
My tantric journey
When a relationship ended, I understood that I had to do something about my s-exuality and to strengthen my relationship skills. I was ready for Tantra and went on an intense journey in a crazy wisdom tantra school. I discovered how much more energy I could have by conserving my life force energy. I became happier, pain in my body and shame disappeared. I learned how I could have intimacy that nurtured my energy and being on a daily basis. Gradually I developed the presence that I needed to be in a long-term intimate relationship that supports my spiritual growth.