When we are meeting a potential partner, it will be wise to have a talk about your and her expectations around sex and relationship before being intimate. Very often we are starting to have sex before we have really got to know this person. It can safe us for a lot of trouble to ask a few question before having sex. When we are having sex we are very fast creating energetic bonds to that person and it can create more hurt and conflicts that could have been avoided by being honest and also asking a few questions.
We have gone through a journey to know ourselves better. It is a precious journey you have taken and it is important to not forget who you are, your wishes, your wounding and what you really want when you meet someone. Too many men give themselves away to early just to have some sex.
The first step is for you to become aware of what you want with your interaction? Do you just want to have sex, then tell her that. Take the risk that she will not want to be intimate with you. Do you want a relationship? If so, what kind of partner do you want? What kind of expectation do you have for a relationship? What kind of partner is best for you? What kind of woman will fit you better? Be aware of your wounding, what is your weak spots and also your strength in a relationship based on your experience and the work we did in week 3 around our childhood and attachments styles.
When you are meeting someone else, I believe it is important to have a talk about her expectations? Her desires, wishes and wounding?
How was her childhood? Did she have any traumas? Has she worked on them? How can you expect that she will act out during triggers? Does she know her attachments style? Is she willing to learn more about this? I believe it is essential to know her traumas before you are going deeper with that person. It will deeply affect the relationship sooner and later. Know that you are precious and that you want to be aware of what you are involving yourself in.
Other important questions around her last relationship/s:
How did she end the last relationship with her partner? What does she say about him? What was her pattern? Does she take ownership of her part? Has she learned something from it?
If she has not, you can be pretty sure that some of the same patterns will show also up in the relationship with you.
Yes, I know you are a better version than her x...., but use it as a warning sign and a yellow flag if she is not answering well on these questions.
It is a good start to be aware that you have the same intentions - to grow, to go on the tantric path, to practice to love each other, practice conscious sexuality. Are there any other things that are important for you before you want to journey with someone?
Emotions and attachments can quickly grow into a relationship which brings us back to a more profound feeling of security. Through these experiences, we can find that we are living in a beautiful bubble. We feel we are in love. We feel safe and secure. There are rushes of emotions, euphoric states of mind. Everything seems possible. In fact, all else is forgotten. Partners melt and bond together through the shared experience. We can hear that a man is in love when he says, “He is just PERFECT.”
We will feel that the third body – the soul of the relationship is healthy. The two persons chemical reactions create this third body. The stronger the bonding between the two persons in the relationship, the stronger the third body becomes. From this place, the partners will co-create space for vulnerability. If we want to have a trusting relationship, we need to nurture and give attention to the third body of the relationship. It is when the relationship is strong that we can remember to challenge ourselves and each other a bit more. It can be an excellent practice to dare to go a bit outside of your comfort zones and also remember to find some individuality.
I believe we should enjoy these moments of deep connection, and at the same time, be vigilant in our awareness that this is an aspect of our shadow whose hidden mission is to recreate experiences and behaviour patterns that were imprinted at an earlier age. When we feel loved erotically, these latent tendencies and childhood patterns may emerge. This is one of the central purposes of an intimate relationship. The shadow wants to heal old wounds and it wants us to feel loved, approved of and more whole. So, enjoy the love, the bonding and enjoy a lot of tantric sex.
How can you strengthen the third body of your relationship?
What do you need in a relationship to relax and feel safe?
The bonding of the relationship is essential. We want to feel safe but don't want to be totally secure. If we're honest, most of us want the comfort, security, love and companionship of a relationship and we also want our freedom. Yes, let's admit it. Or we want our freedom, but we don't want our partner to have theirs. This is not fair. Both people are entitled to equal rights as individuals and as a couple. They need to find a way to live fully in their relationship giving as much personal freedom as possible, while fulfilling the responsibilities of a mutually agreed upon relationship structure.
One person's insecurities should not restrict the others' path for personal growth. For example, if our partner needs time alone, time with friends, or has an interest that does not include their partner, we need to allow it. If we feel threatened, then that's our growing edge; the place we need to explore to gain insight into the deeper reason for our fear. If our partner is getting too anxious when we want space, then it might be a worthwhile practice to breathe into the insecurity. Sometimes the practice can claim our freedom without tapping into the fear of losing our partner. At times the aforementioned can be difficult.
Since we each have different attachment styles and woundings, we can quickly come to misunderstandings and have different needs surface at different times. A secure person will be able to both express his needs and handle emotions from a healthy and secure place. An avoidant type will "leave" the relationship in a time of stress or discomfort. He may project his lack of freedom on his partner. This may trigger the anxious type, and the disorganised attachment type will likely panic, make a lot of noise, or run away.
We might not have a bad intention, but sometimes our behavior can trigger our partner emotionally. The more we get to know each other’s trigger points and work through them, the more we will be able to sense our partner's window of tolerance and understand where we need to be more careful. When we are aware of our windows of tolerance, we can take care finding the right edge to mindfully challenge the patterns in the relationship. If we move forward too fast, the third body of the relationship will collapse.